Democrats and Republicans don’t actually hate each other

Representative Kevin Crutchfield, a Republican from North Carolina’s 83rd District, strode to the back of the state legislature building, where four House pages — high school students who help out at the state legislature — were seated.

“What’s one thing you’ve learned in your first few days here?” he asked. A young lady immediately raised her hand: “Democrats and Republicans don’t hate each other as much as the media makes us believe,” she says.

Crutchfield agrees: “We’re respectful of each other here. Friendly.”

His Democratic colleague, Rep. Caleb Rudow (NC-116) explains: “Bipartisanship, unless it’s really big, doesn’t get covered by the media. It almost always happens behind doors, because it’s often about fragile relationships.”

Rudow and Crutchfield have been organizing bipartisan social events to create camaraderie: happy hours, a workshop by Braver Angels on Red-Blue cooperation, a sing-along on the steps of the legislature.

Rudow talks about these efforts on the campaign trail. “Even in rooms of Democrats, they want to hear about bipartisanship because we are all hungry for a way out of this mess,” he says.

Crutchfield nods in agreement: “I don’t always get approval from some of my constituents for talking with Democrats, but I say to them, ‘I’m not worried about the judgment of man, but the judgment of the Man above so, I’m going to do what’s right.’”

Crutchfield goes on to explain his motivation. “You probably believe you know who I am,” he says, “and I probably believe I know who you are. And we are probably both wrong. Let’s get together, get to know each other, before working together.”

The two legislators offer advice for others trying to promote bipartisan cooperation. “Start small,” Rudow counsels. “No big agenda like a policy project — music, food, dogs, conversation!”

Crutchfield agrees: “Make the conscious decision that ‘I’m not going to judge the person across the aisle without knowing them.’ If you don’t listen to what other people say, you will not grow. Don’t talk about policy, talk about life first — otherwise, it’s like starting a dating game with, ‘How many kids are we going to have?’”

Rudow laughs and adds: “Find allies willing to put in the work. It only works if both sides bring people to the table. That takes leadership. But we often think that ‘bipartisan’ means we’ll fix everything and the other guy will take my side. We can be paralyzed by the big things that are broken. We need to start small, lower expectations and just get started.”

If you’re as inspired by these two as I am, how can we help?

• Reach across the aisle ourselves in our neighborhoods or workplaces, using these men’s advice to focus on personal ties before political issues.

• Publicly praise bipartisan efforts in our own legislatures or city councils.

• Urge our local papers to cover bipartisan work in addition to disagreement. If you’re reading this, your paper is doing a good job!

• Encourage our own legislators to invite Braver Angels, the National Association for Community Mediation or another de-polarizing group to lead workshops for them.

If we all do a bit of this, we might learn that Democrats and Republicans don’t hate each other as much as we might think.

Melinda Burrell, PhD, @MelindaCBurrrell, syndicated by PeaceVoice, is a former humanitarian aid worker and now trains on the neuroscience of communication and conflict. She is with the National Association for Community Mediation, which offers resources for community approaches to difficult issues.